To my handsome single men on Tinder, who are looking for love but are lacking in this department. Your luck is about to change. From here on out, I’ll be your guide to getting “Tinderella”. Whatever that means. You’re failing to nab her because you aren’t selling yourself as well as you may think. Tinder is like the billboard for dating now. You must advertise accordingly, you see.
No worries, all you need to do is follow these simple steps and you’ll be well on your way to being the most EPIC catch on Tinder. You’ll thank me, watch.
In no particular order:
Step 1: Take off your stupid sunglasses. I can’t be any more transparent. There’s nothing more frustrating than to see a hot piece of ass taking loads of great photos. And yet, I can’t seem to look into the eyes of this hunk with a “beautiful soul.” All I can see are your washboard abs, the protein shake in your hand and blinding veneers. How. How can I possibly trust you when you’re living it up in Vegas, but aren’t letting me stare into your cornea? Remove them. Immediately.
Step 2: Single yourself out already. I don’t want to play Where’s Waldo in the group picture. Please, just cut everyone else out, or squiggle in a brightly colored arrow pointing you out from the six drones I’m salivating via my iPhone.
Step 3: Oh God, I don’t really give a shit about your sarcastic humor and obsessive adoration for pizza and beer. Five bucks says I can make you laugh harder and faster before you even open your mouth to say hi to me. And, unless the pizza will be eaten in Italy, and the beer is being drunk in Germany, shut the fuck up about it already.
Step 4: Your zoomed in selfies make me uncomfortable. I don’t know if it’s just me or maybe it’s a new age, but they’re a little too close. How do you differentiate this? Listen, if I can see that your eyebrow lady Parnika did a better job than mine, then we’ve got a problem. I’m looking for my match, not my competition. #Eyebrows on #Fleek? Stop it.
Step 5: What’s with the Encyclopedia Britannica over here?? Enough with the 4000-word count biography.- I don’t need to know that you enjoy reading pretentious books, your parents met on Tinder, you’re a world traveler or you speak many languages. Keep them in your holster for the girl that’s worth telling. Inflation my friend…
Step 6: Own it. Don’t be a complete
dick. You know you aren’t perfect. But at least be honest. “I enjoy working out” “I like to stay active”- Is a subliminal code for saying “I don’t like fat girls”- Dude, you aren’t fooling anyone. You are vain. Just own it. From what I’ve seen guys like this (who are fit AF) usually have ugly ass faces- just saying…
Step 7: Shirtless selfies: Again, I. Am. Uncomfortable. Upload your diploma bro.
Step 8: Women in your photos. Or you with a stripper. Yeah, because that’s exactly the kind of boyfriend material we’re all looking for. You might be intimidating the woman who might have swiped right, you idiot. You have competition, remember? Just remove the women. Or they’ll think it’s a current “shag”/girlfriend you forgot to untag from your Facebook profile. Keep the woman in the photo only if it’s a relative, like grandma.
That’s it. Well, part one at least. I’ll be back with the woman’s version, and perhaps a part two for this post.
….As for me and the guy dept? Tell’em, Jim:
Stay tuned, hope you enjoyed it. Cheers!