Yesterday was my first real day off you guys. I’m Silvia, your typical starving actress and writer who recently took on a “better” (cue eye roll) server job. I had no idea what to do with myself, so naturally I went for a late lunch at my sister’s job. What did I find? Happy hour alcohol and strangers willing to buy me some. Bless their hearts, since I was related to their co-worker, the bartenders poured liquor like they were trying to save a dying plant from dehydration.
Stupidly I lapped it all up on an empty stomach and stupidly, I ordered salad, since I was going out later that night to dinner. You know, me trying to be “healthy” and shit.
By 8:40pm I met a very dear friend who is also an actress, writer, Harvard girl/genius at the Gotham Comedy Club. -Guys, a word of advice. Don’t. Just don’t ever drink before a comedy club. – Nay, scratch that. Don’t ever buy me a drink if you’re taking me to a comedy club.
While watching the show, I felt like I was taking an exam during finals week. I couldn’t for the life of me know when it was my cue to laugh or clap, so I just kept laughing and clapping in sporadic intervals. You know, whenever I wasn’t wiping the drool off my table. I was so confused. To make matters worse, the club arranged our seats in groups of four, so there were two strangers who were watching two shows for the price of one that night. The comedy that they paid for, and then my saint of a friend trying to wrangle me onto the chair. With all her might, to keep me from tipping over onto the stage. Every time the comics would talk I tried so hard to understand them. “What did he say?” and “Do I stop clapping?” That was my inner monologue all night long.
My dear friend had the worst of it, trying to manipulate gravity. She paid 21.00 USD to babysit me. She ended up feeding me what I believe was chicken, all I needed was a bib. The worst part? – It was a taped show. So if you’re ever watching a Gotham Comedy Club taping and happen to see a light blue sweater swaying in the sea of people back and forth, that’s me in all my glory!
The next morning, I woke up wondering how the hell did I make it home alive? And who ordered a cheeseburger deluxe, carrot cake, and corn chips that are beside my pillow?…
So guys, save yourselves from this misery. Enjoy your comedy clubs, comedians, and don’t. Please don’t buy me a drink. – Listen to your mother. She’s so right.
-Silvia *Drops mic*